I was born into an area where Buddhism was obstructed and could not thrive. Thus, when those to whom I introduced Buddhism obtained great results, I became blissfully happy.
In time, I came to realize my path to leave the home life and return to my area try to propagate the Proper Dharma.
Unfortunately, due to my mistakes, while I was preparing for my university examinations, I could not practice that much and could only recite the Buddha’s name in a very limited way. And now I have a change of heart about leaving the home life, and love and desire well up inside of me. This is the biggest reason for my hesitation. I read Master XuanHua’s biography and used what I learned from it to not indulge in worldly pleasures. But my greed for love is extremely overwhelming. Please kindly assist me.
I commend you for your great resolve to leave the home life. Not only is it most worthwhile as an aspiration, your mindset on helping others is also very remarkable. That is the mindset for Mahayana practitioners.
Your experience is the same as most all of us left-home people. Once you bring the resolve to leave the home life, the tests come fast and furious. In particular, the test of love and desire can be overwhelming.
There is nothing to worry about. Many of us who faced these same tests have overcome them by doing the following:
- Choose the proper environment. After you have come to the pure or sagely grounds of the temples, your desires will naturally lessen.
- Choose the proper method of practice. If you practice under the guidance of the proper teacher, you will be able to quickly defeat your selfish desires.
- Most importantly, you must find the temple which teaches the Proper Dharma. Isn’t it extremely critical that you first learn the Dharma and certify to it before you teach others?
In brief, if I were you, I would not be alarmed at all. I would patiently endure the tests while actively seeking for a competent teacher. Simply visit Mahayana temples because that is where the Proper Dharma is being taught. Go there and observe carefully. Better yet, go stay on the temple grounds for a week or so and open your eyes. Do left-home people engage in activities that encourage sexual desires? If they do, then run away as quickly as possible. As to the remaining temples, I would only consider temples that are practicing the Dharma of a bona fide Mahayana Patriarch. If they fail to recognize or identify their own teachers then they certainly have not achieved certification of the Proper Dharma.
Until you have found your Good Knowing Adviser, you should be reciting the Heart Sutra when desires arise.
Best wishes to you.